Complaint Letter of the Year

jonis

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Complaint Letter of the Year. The British do have a way with words.... A real-life customer complaint letter sent to NTL (to their complaints dept....)





Dear Cretins,



I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:



My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website....HOW?



I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.



I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.



I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone

will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.



Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care; it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.



I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.



British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly be replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cat’s litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.


Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.



John


--

This is the best complaint letter ever. And "shower of bastards" has to be one of the very best insults ever.
 

notmushroom

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:Grin: Great letter...reminds me of my dad's on going problems with NTL, he also hates the bastards but don't think he has it in him to write something like this (although we do have a cat...).

NTL is useless people.

Would have loved to have seen the face of the people who received this.
 

Monkey Do

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I'm touching myself as I write this post.
I wrote a nice complaint letter to my credit card company last week. After me phoning them half a dozen times explaining why my payment was a couple of days late (they never sent me a statement) and them hounding me by phone they then sent a letter after the payement had gone through claiming that they "were concerned that the payment was late and I had not contacted them to explain".

Well that sentence got a big ring drawn round it in biro and a hastily scrawled "Please read the attached letter. This is completely fucking insulting and I demand an apology at once" accompanied by a nice typed document explaining exactly how many times I had telephoned them to explain, how many times they claimed to be "putting a note on my account" and how rude one of thier customer services people were on the phone.

Followed by a paragraph of rant about how now that I had acted upon and rectified my error by paying the bastards, and now that I had notified them of a number of deficiencies in their customer relationship systems (including training their call centre staff on how to negotiate a simple telephone conversation when something confusing happens like the person they have expected to speak to doesn't answer and offers to pass you over to the person you have called) I would be expecting them "to act upon and rectify their errors ".
 
D

dave arc-i

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i used to think that ikea was hell on earth UNTIL i got ntl - "shower of bastards" doesn't even come close in my books
 
D

dave arc-i

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RobAC said:
am i the only person who ntl works really well for??
my broadband mostly works well - it has had and still does have its moments

telephone - no problems................... as yet

billing now that is another matter entirely DO NOT under any circumstances allow ntl anywhere near your bank account - pay bills yourself by cash best advice i can offer
 

Fromem_Ory

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i'd like to hear that read by the fat comic book guy from the simpsons.
brilliant.

 

morph

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a friend of mines sister in law - cancelled her subscription to adult tv on cable because and i quote ' there's no cock in it' - :Smile3:
 

jamez_23

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morph said:
a friend of mines sister in law - cancelled her subscription to adult tv on cable because and i quote ' there's no cock in it' - :Smile3:

:lol:
 

jamez_23

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This always made me smile .......

"After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name"
 

CariFairy

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jamez_23 said:
This always made me smile .......

"After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name"
HAhahahaha....

I would love to change my name to something silly!

Caramel Banana-Hammock was a favourite of mine and the G.S.C for a while...
 

Biggins

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dave arc-i said:
billing now that is another matter entirely DO NOT under any circumstances allow ntl anywhere near your bank account - pay bills yourself by cash best advice i can offer
seconded...i am iin the odd position of them owing me money, the fact that i ahve been trying to get it off them for the last eight months is a bout par for the course....

cretins.....all of them, bunch of lying bastards..........


(ps: the complaint letter above is brilliant btw..i think i've seen it before but it is still an amzing read :Grin:)
 

Geoff3

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morph said:
a friend of mines sister in law - cancelled her subscription to adult tv on cable because and i quote ' there's no cock in it' - :Smile3:
I thought the letter was funny, till I got to page 2.....
 

Geoff3

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jamez_23 said:
This always made me smile .......

"After being charged £20 for a £10 overdraft, 30 year old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to "Yorkshire Bank PLC Are Fascist Bastards". The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr. Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance, by cheque, made out in his new name"
:irofl:
 

tavdy79

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I had a similar experience with NTL. It cost me £60 in mobile calls to sort it out and, because one of the guys I was living with at the time was required (under a court order) to have a working phone so that his ex-wife (may she rot in hell) could contact him at any time of the day or night, he lost all rights to see his children.
 
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