How to deal with police interrogaters

MadcapMagician

Role model
1. Utilize your one phone call to report that you know where the police can find the suspect, demand a reward.

2. Speak Klingon

3. Answer every question with 'no'

4. Remind them often that you are not under oath, and there is absolutely no obligation for you to tell the truth.

5. Ask them to repeat every question numerous times.

6. Finish their sentences.

7. Insist on sitting cop-defendant-cop-defendant...

8. Sit facing the wall.

9. Demand to get a turn playing the 'bad cop'

10. Ask to speak to your lawyer, when he gets there, ask to speak to _their_ lawyer.

11. Add prepositional clauses to their sentences. i.e. Cop - "We found your wifes blood", You - "On the Hammer?", Cop - "No", You - "In the Meat grinder?", "No", "Under the fiberglass insulation in the attic?", "No, Just listen.", "In my neighbor's car trunk?" (This really pisses them off, now they have to go check all these places.)

12. Inform them that God will punish them if they don't let you go.

13. Swear that she told you she was 21.

14. Ask them for a transcript, then refuse to talk until they provide you with oa transcript of the interogation that hasn't started yet.

15. Walk in and _immediately_ demand that they offer you a chair. When they offer you a chair cop an attitude and say "Yeah, I thought so."

16. Moon the one-way mirror.

17. Re-enact the Sharon Stone interrogation scene in Basic Instinct.

18. Become very distracted by an imaginary fly.

19. Fart loudly and blame it on the interrogator.

20. Ask to play with the handcuffs.

21. Confess to anything, offer details, then refer to #4.

22. Whenever they start talking, shuush them and gently say that words will only spoil the moment.

23. Flirt with any members of the opposite sex.

24. Ask them for their identification. After all, they fingerprinted you didn't they?

25. Pick up their Soda can with a ball-point pen, refuse to give it back.

26. Try to put on a glove that is several sizes too small. Offer that as proof of your innocence.

27. Wink and say "Nice Gun"

28. Ask for water, spill it, ask for more, repeat.

29. Bring your own tape recorder, preferably with a handheld microphone.

30. Insist they provide you a prison jumpsuit to wear before you'll talk.

31. Take pictures. Try to pose the interrogators in compromising situations.

32. Ask for a court appointed Attorney, fire them, repeat 5 or 6 times.

33. Remind them, that _YOU_ hold the key to the case, and if they want it, they have to kiss your ass.

34. State that Latin/Swahili/Dutch is your native language, demand an interpreter.

35. Hide under the table.

36. Play the harmonica.

37. Ask them to Email you the questions.

38. Play the race card, no matter what race you/they are. "It's because I'm white, right?"

39. Ask to see their police record, because "You know, I don't want to confess to a cop who has a drinking problem."

40. When they offer you a snack, claim to be allergic to it, accuse them of trying to kill you, offer to confess if they stop this torture, really play it up for the camera.

41. Ask where _They_ were on the night of August 11th.

42. Write 10 or so confessions, each with a different chain of events, tell them to pick the one they like the best, but be prepared to explain to a jury why he beleives only that one.

43. Make random Animal sounds.

44. Answer every question like you are on a gameshow.

45. Ask for a stick of gum, chew it, stick it under the table, ask for another. When they refuse, pull off the first peice and start chewing it again. Insist on taking it with you when you leave.

46. Tell them about your first Love. Whenever they ask about the case, assure them you are getting to that.

47. Sing the theme to "Love Boat". Bonus points if you can get them to sing along.

48. Wear a Tuxedo.

49. Make a sandwich with food you brought with you.

50. Try to Bribe them, if they refuse, try to get them to bribe you.

51. Ask them if they happened to find your spare car keys while searching the house, when they say no, say "Hmmmm, Sloppy police work, that is going to help me a LOT at the trial"

52. Ask for a job application.

53. Play the "I'm not touching you" game.

54. Ask if they have an extradition treaty with Paraguay.

55. Ask for a reciept.
 
D

dave arc-i

Guest
4. Remind them often that you are not under oath, and there is absolutely no obligation for you to tell the truth.

wicked - makes notes for future reference if needed
 

whitedog

Lunar SeeD
57. tell them that based on the current evidence, you think that they did it. (this assumes that you are, infact, innocent)
 

Alan

ItDoesWhatItSaysOnTheTin
Best one though, is always to carry a couple of dice in a case (a la Diceman), whenever asked a question, roll the dice, not allowing them to see the numbers, and randomly choose a response: start crying, laugh, contradict your previous statement, say your studying theology...
this is a very good way to avoid a prison sentence, they'll assume your mad.
 

martin_e

Pantheistic Cyberneticist
59. Adopt confident yet relaxed position. Assume role of psychoanalyst and thus ask questions like "So what do you think you really mean by that question ?", "Are you projecting your own insecurities onto me ?", "Are you perhaps confusing reality with your own inner world ?" - when they're really wound up finish with "I think you've revealed some real issues about your mother". From then on just nod in a sad, yet patronising way and say "mmm...", "uh-huh" and "tell me more" until they leave you alone...
 

MadcapMagician

Role model
60. Clutch your knees, rock back and forth a la Arthur Fowler when he lost it inside, mutter quietly to yourself, keep your eyes WIDE open and maybe dribble a little every now and then.
 
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