I tell you a joke.. You tell me a joke..

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
How come wrong numbers are never busy?
Do Lipton Tea Employees take coffee breaks?

..Yeah sorry about those.
Apologies in advance....

My Dad told me this one, not sure if it even works written down like, you need the accents really.... use your imagimilation or summink :iyes:

A (very posh) Englishman is driving along in his shiny BMW, puffing on a massive Cuban cigar. A poor Irishman flags him down from the side of the road and asks him how he made enough money to buy such an expensive car. Englishman says "Ah, well I've been working for Cunard", Irishman says "Well, I've been working fuckin' 'ard too mate!".

Cringe-o-rama. :iconfused
Q. How do the Welsh make cheese?
A. Caerphilly.
how do you make a grannys toes curl???


fuck her with her tights on
A kid came up to me today and asked "which is your favourite telly tubby?"

I said "probably the new sony 50 inch plasma, you cheeky prick!"
A guy walks into blockbusters and asks for batman forever.

The video clerk explains that it's actually due back in 2 days.
A man walks into a pub
Ouch, it was an iron pub!
I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". She said "How flexible are you?". I said "I can't make Tuesdays".
There are 2 prawns in the sea called Christian and Edward... They are sitting around their rock one day talking and Edward turns to Christian and says "you know... We have never seen life outside of the water... I want to see what's above the water"

After a long discussion they both decide they want to try being human so they go to visit King Neptune and explain that they want to be human... Neptune tells them that he will make them human, but the second they get wet they will start to turn back into prawns.... So overjoyed they both agree to the condition and swim up to the beach and turn into humans.

After a few months of living as humans they are loving it... They have a little modern flat in the middle of town, and one day they are sitting in and realise they have no food in the flat... They start argueing over who should go out to get a kebab. In the end Edward picks up his coat and leaves the flat to pick up the kebab.

Once he has picked it up and is walking back it starts to rain... Edward pulls his hood up and starts to run... as he gets closer and closer to the flat he starts to turn back into a prawn. When he finally gets back to the house he franticly knocks on the door screaming "OPEN THE DOOR, OPEN THE DOOR" a little shocked, Christian shouts out "I dont want to buy anything you are selling"... Now pretty much fully turned Edward shouts out "I'M NOT SELLING ANYTHING.... I'M A PRAWN AGAIN CHRISTIAN"

I'll get my coat and be on my way.
A Rabbi a Priest and a Vicar walk into a bar.
Tha Barman says "Fuck off, I'm not in the mood for any jokes"
A Britishman, a Frenchman and a German walk into a pub.

Ouch ouch ouch, it was an iron pub!
two undertakers at work -

ut1 -
(pointing at a dead woman) ave you seen that womans fanny? she's got a shrimp hangin out of it...

ut2 -
thats not a shrimp ya fool, thats her clitoris...

ut1 -
well it tasts like a shrimp...

what's the difference between a sound engineer and a toilet?
a toilet only has to take shit from one arsehole at a time.
Ultimate phone prank

1. Call the childline number and say 'i've just dialed 1471 and this number came up, who is this?'

2. Operator replies 'you're through to childline'

3. You shout 'TERRY YOU LITTLE CUNT, NOT AGAIN....COME HERE YOU LITTLE BASTARD''. before hanging up the phone