Lost

Ratty

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A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, Excuse me, Can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied; " You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between
50 and 60 degrees west longitude.

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am, replies the woman, "how did you know?"

"Well said the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost, If anything, you've delayed my trip."

The woman below responded "You must be management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

Well, "said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going: You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you've no idea how to keep and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. "The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault.
 

Monkey Do

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I'm touching myself as I write this post.
I like this variation:

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd... "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?" The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered "sure". The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130-page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says, "You have exactly 1586 sheep. "That is correct; take one of the sheep." said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd says: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?", "OK, why not." answered the young man. "Clearly, you are a consultant." said the shepherd. "That's correct." says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?" "No guessing required." answers the shepherd. "You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business...... Now give me back my dog."
 
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