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"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups"

"Kinky is using a feather; perverted is using the whole chicken"

"The only good substitute for good manners is fast reflexes"

"Nonconformists are all alike"

"Never try to out-stubborn a cat"

"It's far easier to forgive an enemy after you've got even with him"

"Be nice to your kids - they'll chose your nursing home"

"If everything's going your way, you're driving in the wrong lane"

"The best way to serve cabbage is to someone else"

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory

"Don't hate yourself in the morning - sleep til noon"

"The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes"

"A tidy desk is a sign of an untidy desk drawer"

"If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten"

"Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back"

"Smile. It makes people wonder what you're thinking"

"If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague"

"If you can remain calm, you don't have all the facts"

"If you want to know more about paranoids, follow them around"

"The road to success is always under construction"

"One good turn gets most of the blankets"

"If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried"

"Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level, then beat you with experience"

"He who laughs last, thinks slowest"

"Constipated people don't give a shit!"