Merry Christmas Office Party


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ROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: Everyone
RE: Christmas Party
DATE: December 1

I'm happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will
take place on December 23, starting at noon in the banquet
room at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue. No-host bar, but plenty of
eggnog! We'll have a small band playing traditional
carols...feel free to sing along. And don't be surprised if our
CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus!


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 2
RE: Christmas Party

In no way was yesterday's memo intended to exclude our
Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an
important holiday which often coincides with Christmas,
though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on,
we're calling it our "Holiday Party".


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 3
RE: Holiday Party

Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics
Anonymous requesting a non-drinking didn't sign
your name. I'm happy to accommodate this request, but I can't
put a sign on a table that reads, "AA Only"; you wouldn't be
anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle this?


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 7
RE: Holiday Party

What a diverse company we are! I had no idea that December
20 begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids
eating, drinking and sex during daylight hours. There goes the
party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon this time of
year does not accommodate our Muslim employees' beliefs.
Perhaps Luigi's can hold off on serving your meal until the end
of the party -- the days are so short this time of year -- or else
package everything for take-home in little foil swans. Will that

Meanwhile, I've arranged for members of Overeaters
Anonymous to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant
women will get the table closest to the restrooms.


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 8
RE: Holiday Party

So December 22 marks the Winter Solstice...what do you
expect me to do, a tap-dance on your heads? Fire regulations at
Luigi's prohibit the burning of sage by our "earth-based
Goddess-worshipping" employees, but we'll try to
accommodate your shamanic drumming circle during the
band's breaks. Okay???


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 9
RE: Holiday Party

People, people, nothing sinister was intended by having our
CEO dress up like Santa Claus! Even if the anagram of "Santa"
does happen to be "Satan," there is no evil connotation to our
own "little man in a red suit." It's a tradition, folks, like sugar
shock at Halloween or family feuds over the Thanksgiving
turkey or broken hearts on Valentine's Day. Could we lighten


FROM: Pat Lewis, Human Resources Director
DATE: December 10
RE: Holiday Party

Vegetarians!?!?!? I've had it with you people!!! We're going to
keep this party at Luigi's Open Pit Barbecue whether you like it
or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the "grill
of death", as you so quaintly put it, and you'll get your
#$%^&*! salad bar, including hydroponic tomatoes...but you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. Tomatoes scream when you
slice them...I've heard them scream, I'm hearing them scream
right now...!


FROM: Teri Bishops, Acting Human Resources Director
DATE: December 14
RE: Pat Lewis and Holiday Party

I'm sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pat Lewis a speedy
recovery from her stress-related illness and I'll continue to
forward your cards to her at the sanatorium. In the meantime,
management has decided to cancel the Holiday party and give
everyone the afternoon of the 23rd off with full pay. Happy