Scouser Jokes


Stunning Cunt
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Inside the Bristle Marshmallow
An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar. They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner. He's so familiar, and not recognizing him is driving them mad. They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: "My God, it's Jesus!"

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint. Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter. Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!"

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager. As he lets
go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

"Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's a

Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,

"Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

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A scouser walked into the local job centre, marched straight up to the counter and said "Hi, I'm looking for a job".

The man behind the counter replied "Your timing is amazing. We've just got one in from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac twin daughters. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes and wear the uniform provided. The hours are a bit long but the meals are provided. You also have to escort the young ladies on their overseas holidays. The Salary package is £200,000 a year".

The Scouser said "You're bullsh*tting me!"

The man behind the counter said "Well you started it!"

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered.

It later turned out to be a tax disc.

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A Scouser walks into a bar in Manchester dressed up in his new Liverpool
shirt effort and orders a drink before noticing a picture of Sir Matt Busby
on the wall.

He was just about to leave when the barman says: "Where do you think you're
The Scouser replies: "I'm sorry, I just noticed Matt Busby there and I think I'd better leave,"
The barman says: "No no no. It's too late for that. You've got to roll the dice Pal,"
The Scouser looks puzzled and says: "Roll the dice?"
The Barman replies: "Yeh. If you roll between 1 and 5 we kick the****out of you,"
The Scouser says: "What if I roll a 6?"

The barman replies: "You get another go."

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A primary teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Liverpool fan," she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not an Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it," Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?" "Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I'm a Man Utd fan too!"
"Well," said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then?"

"Then," Mary smiled, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

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You are locked in a room with a Lion, a Cobra and a scouser. You have a gun
with only 2 bullets
Who do you shoot?
The scouser.....twice!

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Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Liverpool supporter and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

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What do you say to a scouser in a uniform?
Big Mac and fries please

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This scouser walks into a doctors with a frog on his head.
Doctor says 'what appears to be the problem'
Frog replied 'can't get his scouse b*****d off my ass


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Scouser sitting at a bar and a very camp gay man sidles up to him and whispers in his ear

"hey sweetie. how about a blow job"

the scouser takes offence and kicks the man all round the pub and out the door. "blimely" says the barman, "that was bit much. what did he say?"

"dunno" says the scouser "something about a job"


blah blah blah
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Sunny Sheffield
These regional stereotypes are shocking and normally unforgivable.. but as I was brought up in Lancashire (where, contrary to popular opinion - no one is really arsed about Yorkshire - It Liverpool that gets all the stick...)


Whats the difference between Batman & a Scouser?

Batman can go out without Robin...

(Boom Boom...)


Pantheistic Cyberneticist
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Living in a shed in Broadstairs


Junior Members
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whats a scouser?


and its not "disability benefits", its COMPO heh


Senior Member
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Dubh Linn
This is an authentic letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun Newspaper...

I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South London and one
of my sisters, who lives in Brixton, is married to a guy from Liverpool.

My father and mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling
marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are

I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life
sentence in Wormwood Scrubs for the rape & murder of a teenage boy in 1994,
the other currently being held in Wandsworth on remand centre on charges of
incest with his three children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed
is still a part time working girl in a brothel, however, her time there is
limited as she has recently been infected with an STD.

We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the
possibility of opening ! our own brothel with my fiancée utilising her
knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two
sisters would be interested in joining our team.

Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at
least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.

My problem is this:

I love my fiancée and look forward to bringing her into the family and of
course I want to be totally honest with her.

Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being a Scouser