..some Ronnie Barker Moments..

M

makdaddy

Guest
:: Corbett: Good evening! It's wonderful to be back with you again,
isn't
it, Ronnie?

Barker Indeed it is. And in a packed programme tonight, I shall be
having a
word with a man who goes in for meditation, because he thinks it's
better
than sitting around doing nothing.

Corbett: And we'll be talking to a car designer who's crossed Toyota
with
Quasimodo and come up with The Hatchback of Notre Dame.

Barker: And we had hoped to have been bringing you Arthur the Human
Chameleon, but this afternoon, he crawled across a tartan rug and died
of
exhaustion.

But first, the news: The House of Commons was sealed off today after
police
chased an escaped lunatic through the front door during Prime
Minister's
question time. A spokesman at Scotland Yard said it was like looking
for a
needle in a haystack.

Corbett: West Mersea police announced tonight that they wish to
interview a
man wearing high heels and frilly knickers, but the Chief Constable
said
they must wear their normal uniforms.

Barker: Many old music hall fans were present at the funeral today of
Fred
"Chuckles" Jenkins, Britain's oldest and unfunniest comedian. In
tribute,
the vicar read out one of Fred's jokes, and the congregation had two
minutes
silence.

Corbett: Latest on the bullion robbery: At Wansforth Police Station, a
man
who's as deaf as a post, and doesn't speak english, with a terrible
stutter,
bad breath and squeaky shoes, is not helping the police with their
inquiries
one little bit.

Barker: At London's Heathrow, senior customs officer Seaforth Mumbly
retired
today. He shook hands with passengers passing through the customs, and
confiscated a gold watch for himself.

Corbett: There was a fire at the main Inland Revenue office in London
today,
but it was put out before any serious good was done.

Barker: The search for the man who terrorizes nudist camps with a bacon
slicer goes on. Inspector Lemuel Jones had a tip-off this morning, but
hopes
to be back on duty tomorrow.

Corbett: Finally, it was revealed in a government survey published
today
that the Prime Minister is doing the work of two men. Laurel and Hardy.

Barker: And now a sketch, featuring Mr Ronnie Corbett, whose wife tries
not
to bring out the beast in him, because she's afraid of mice

Other memorable jokes:

:: "The man who invented the zip fastener was today honoured with a
lifetime
peerage. He will now be known as the Lord of the Flies."

:: "The toilets at a local police station have been stolen. Police say
they
have nothing to go on."

:: "In a packed programme tonight we will be talking to an out-of-work
contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet."
 
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