The 10 Stages of Drunkeness

lurk

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10 Stages of Drunkeness Theory


A somber and insightful run through of the highs and ultimate pitfalls of demon drink - You Have Been Warned


Stage 1 - CLEVER
You suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known universe. You KNOW you know everything and you want to pass on your expert knowledge to just about anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And, of course, the person you are talking to is very WRONG.

Stage 2 - GOOD LOOKING
You realise, simply, that you are the BEST LOOKING person in the world and that people fancy you. You can go up to a perfect stranger knowing that they fancy you and want to talk to you. Bear in mind that you are still CLEVER, so you can talk to this person about any subject under the sun.

Stage 3 - RICH
You suddenly become the richest person in London. You buy drinks for the entire pub because you believe you have an armoured truck full of money parked just outside. You can also make bets at this stage, because of course you are still CLEVER so, naturally, you will win all your bets. It does not matter how much you bet because you are RICH. You will also buy drinks for everyone you fancy, especially those who are obviously giving you the eye. This includes everyone of course because you are still sooo GOOD LOOKING.

Stage 4 - BULLET PROOF
You are now ready to pick fights with all, especially those with whom you have been betting or arguing and of course those whom you have never before laid eyes on. This is because nothing can hurt you. At this point you can also go up to the partners of the people who you fancy and challenge them to a battle. You have no fear of losing this battle, because you are CLEVER, you're RICH and Hell yeah - you're BETTER LOOKING than them anyway!

Stage 5 - INVISIBLE
At this point you can do anything, because NO ONE CAN SEE YOU. You can dance on a table, chair, roof to impress the people you fancy because the rest cannot see you. You can snog and engage in explicit sexual acts in the name of disco because no else can see you. You can walk through the street singing at the very top of your lungs because no one can see or hear you and because you're still CLEVER you know ALL the words.

AND THEN YOU SOBER UP..


Stage 6 - STUPID
You realise that you have lost not only several hours of your life, but the ability to concentrate on anything or indeed, think.

Stage 7 - UGLY
Never entirely happy with the comic effects of the bathroom mirror first thing, you are horrified to discover that you have now become even less attractive than you thought previously possible.

Stage 8 - POOR
Having crawled out of bed and got dressed you are about to shamble out the door when you discover that the money you got from the cash-point to last you the week is now missing from your wallet. Being stupid, you have no idea what happened to it.

Stage 9 - MADE OF GLASS
As you are now a stupid, ugly and poor sociopath, you embody most of the characteristics you hate in other people and your self respect plummets until you think you are likely to melt or shatter if handled or spoken to.

Stage 10 - CIRCUS FREAK
Unfortunately any Non-hangover person can spot your condition from a great distance. They will delight in completing your misery by parading you like a freak-at- a fair in front of colleagues/family/friends, shouting, pointing and laughing loudly at you until, hit by deep-seated insecurities, your depression spirals out of control, and you instigate suicide.

 

mad ron

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"You can engage in explicit sexual acts in the name of disco"

I can and I will.
 

Dragongurl

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What a scream!! I can picture it all!! :ilol::ilol::ilol:


[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]If Beer Had Health Warnings [/FONT]
[FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]It's been proposed that warning signs be placed on beer bottles to tip off drinkers about the likely effects: [/FONT]

  1. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards. [/FONT]
  2. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole. [/FONT]
  3. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to SMASH YOUR HEAD IN. [/FONT]
  4. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish. [/FONT]
  5. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY think while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party. [/FONT]
  6. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning. [/FONT]
  7. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell ever happened to your pants anyway. [/FONT]
  8. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you can't remember) [/FONT]
  9. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable carpet burn on the forehead. [/FONT]
  10. [FONT=verdana,arial,helvetica]WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho. [/FONT]
 

damion

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what in tintern abbey are you talking about?
mad ron said:
"You can engage in explicit sexual acts in the name of disco"

I can and I will.


Best. Tombstone. Inscription. Ever.
 
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