Toilet Humour

Vanilla Penguin

V.P Psy comes to Dorset
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The Perfect Dump

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump.
It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the
worst, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece
that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic
high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it
was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in
the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.


The Beer Dump

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of
too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is
a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious
malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked
flames are ill advised.....


The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with
you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie
starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass
look like "a Japanese Flag."


The Empty Roll Dump

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an
empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you.
You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are
the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You
then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper"
must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle
yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always
use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!


The Splash Back Dump

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water
that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock.
Now you're wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half
way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.


The Childbirth Dump

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by
nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma.
First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and
wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the
newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster
loaf!" There are only three things you can do:

1. Scream
2. Call an Obstetrician
3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through
it.


The Machine Gun Dump

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime
peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that
break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next
cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his
umbrella like a M16....damn commies.


The Sound Effect Dump

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work
mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever
techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit.
Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try
the following:

1. Flush the toilet
2. Drop loose change on the floor
3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.


The Cling-On Dump

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop.
You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle.
You twist and pump but the little thing just hangs there,
suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water
below. If only you had some scissors.......


The Whole Roll Dump

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the
whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times.
The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet
paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash
clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.


The Encore Dump

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are
about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming
on. You must therefore return for a curtain call.
The world record is seven encores.....


The Houdini Dump

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep
down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush?
Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear
and smile at the next person who comes in.
 

duracell_pixie

More trouble than i look
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:excessiv: Hehe, just what i needed to make me smile during a boring day at work- i wonder what my boss would say if he looked over my shoulder.Im doing important work related stuff honest..........
 

duracell_pixie

More trouble than i look
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okies will do....though my "toilet breaks" generally consist of me snaeking off to the smoking area for a cig....
 

crisps

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lol !!!!!!!!!!!!!

jooofoc.... is of course jon!

he comes out with a lot of toilet humour...
...from what i learnt at glade :p
 
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